I just watched the movie Julie and Julia, and it has me thinking.  The movie itself was okay.  Not great, not bad.  The Julie character struck a chord of familiarity with me.  Underachiever, wannabe writer, talented, self-defeating…but likable (I hope) all apply to the character and, I must admit, to myself, oh and the blog.  I realized as I was watching, that I need a goal.  A theme if you will.  However, in order to force myself into action I always need a deadline.  I’ve struggled for a while with just what to do with myself.  I struggled with it as a young adult and tried several things, some successfully, others not so much.  When I really got to know Jesus, He became my raison d’être, and soon after, I married and had children and my purpose was quite obvious to me.  I took care of my children and my husband and I began homeschooling.  Believe me, it was enough to do for several people.  My girls are 10 and 12 (very soon to be 11 and 13).  There will be no more babies for me to take care of.  The girls can read and write and one can do algebra.  They can cook and clean (although typically reluctantly).  My role has changed from mommy to mom.  Now I advise and listen and drive them around.  Did I mention the driving?  Teaching consists of handing out assignments and grading and discussing rather than guiding little hands to form letters and counting blocks.  There are times when several hours go by and I don’t even know what they are doing as opposed to having to constantly keep and eye and ear out for what mischief they were getting themselves into.  It is time for me to stop looking back and face forward.

But what is the next thing for me?  I’m waiting for God to let me in on that little secret.  I think I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I’ve been waiting for that answer for a while now.  I haven’t really been ready to listen.  I wanted to fight to hold onto the last stage, but it seems clear to me that it is time for me to let go.  I enjoy my children at this stage.  It isn’t sloppy kisses and “I love you mommy” anymore.  It’s a lot of giggles and eye rolling and stomping and slamming doors.  There is laughter as we tease the poor dad simply because he’s surrounded by females.  It’s the borrowing of jewelry and the rare dash of mascara “because it’s Christmas.”  It’s the offer to make Ramen noodles for dinner because they notice that I’m tired.  They are becoming wonderful young ladies, and I know I only have a few years left to be in the center of their lives.  And then where do I go?

The dad thinks I need a job, and I do.  But more than that I need purpose.  Direction.  A goal.  So I’m going to make a list of things I want to accomplish in 2010, and I’m going to blog about my progress.  My first deadline is to have my list finished before New Year’s Eve so that I can “begin” on New Year’s Day.  You’ll all have to pray with me that God shows me what I need to do so that I can get wherever it is I need to go.