There are goals and then there are dreams.  I’m not sure I separate the two very well.  The idea of the “perfect” life I have in my head is, of course, unobtainable in a sinful world, but I can dream of peace and harmony and children who always cheerfully obey and a husband who is always understanding and supportive in just the right way, a house that looks like it belongs in a magazine instead of well, like it belongs to us.  So, to be realistic, I had to come up with some specific things that I feel are accomplishable. 

So, here are my goals for 2010 (in no particular order):

1.  Routines:  I need a routine for myself, for housework, for menu planning.  I crave some organization (perhaps it will give me the illusion of control).

2.  Housekeeping:  I need a routine, a process for the girls to follow.  We need to get rid of STUFF that is stifling me.  I really feel like this weighs me down emotionally.  I know it is inconvenient and costly when I can’t find something that I know we have and I need to use, so I end up going out to buy more…

3.  Use my talent:  I play flute.  I’m actually pretty good.  I was a music major a long time ago.  When I practiced regularly I was very good.  I play in the church orchestra with professionals.  I need to commit myself to playing regularly.  I also want to play special music.  It makes me feel good to use my abilities to help people worship. 

4.  Date nights:  This has been something that my family has struggled with.  We have issues with schedules and routines all around.  Except the Bug, who thrives on routine and schedule.  I want to make spending time with each of my girls and with my husband a priority.  Family nights would be good too.

5.  Budget:  The Dad and I have very different ways of thinking about and handling money.  We need to get organized and have a plan.  However, this is a monumental thing to accomplish due to the fact that we are polar opposites in almost all areas of communication, cognitive processing, etc.  This is something we have fought about and subsequently ignored for years.

6.  Get a job:  We need the money.

7.  Routines for Boo:  My youngest daughter is a little too much like her mom for her own good.  She needs routines.

8.  Have people over more:  I wanted this house, so that I would have room to have people over.  I want to be hospitable.  The dad prefers sitting at his computer playing a certain game to human company most of the time.  I’m going to have people over anyway.

9. The clichés:  What list of goals for the new year would be complete without losing weight (30 pounds), exercising, and eating/cooking better.

10. Write regularly:  A million years ago, I wanted to be a writer.  I still want to be a writer.  So for now, I will write this blog.  Who knows, maybe someone will read it.  (Other than you, Mom.)

11.  Fix up the house:  For almost 7 years I have lived with ugly 80’s wallpaper in my family room and carpets that needed to be replaced when we moved in 7 years ago.  Now, I have 6 years worth of fingerprints and marks on the walls that I can’t remove with endless scrubbing and which annoy me to no end.  I also have a large pile of framed photographs that are sitting in the extra bedroom rather than on my walls.  So I want to paint, hang up my pictures, and nag my husband into tiling the main floor which thanks to my wonderful brother an sister-in-law’s Christmas gift he now has all the tools we need to get it done!

12.  Have a successful garden:  This is definitely a wish.  I have the world’s blackest thumb.  My great grandmother had a farm and vegetables and flowers and it was wonderful.  I didn’t get that gene.  I usually get sticks instead of tomatoes.  Any suggestions or help would be highly appreciated.

I just watched the movie Julie and Julia, and it has me thinking.  The movie itself was okay.  Not great, not bad.  The Julie character struck a chord of familiarity with me.  Underachiever, wannabe writer, talented, self-defeating…but likable (I hope) all apply to the character and, I must admit, to myself, oh and the blog.  I realized as I was watching, that I need a goal.  A theme if you will.  However, in order to force myself into action I always need a deadline.  I’ve struggled for a while with just what to do with myself.  I struggled with it as a young adult and tried several things, some successfully, others not so much.  When I really got to know Jesus, He became my raison d’être, and soon after, I married and had children and my purpose was quite obvious to me.  I took care of my children and my husband and I began homeschooling.  Believe me, it was enough to do for several people.  My girls are 10 and 12 (very soon to be 11 and 13).  There will be no more babies for me to take care of.  The girls can read and write and one can do algebra.  They can cook and clean (although typically reluctantly).  My role has changed from mommy to mom.  Now I advise and listen and drive them around.  Did I mention the driving?  Teaching consists of handing out assignments and grading and discussing rather than guiding little hands to form letters and counting blocks.  There are times when several hours go by and I don’t even know what they are doing as opposed to having to constantly keep and eye and ear out for what mischief they were getting themselves into.  It is time for me to stop looking back and face forward.

But what is the next thing for me?  I’m waiting for God to let me in on that little secret.  I think I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I’ve been waiting for that answer for a while now.  I haven’t really been ready to listen.  I wanted to fight to hold onto the last stage, but it seems clear to me that it is time for me to let go.  I enjoy my children at this stage.  It isn’t sloppy kisses and “I love you mommy” anymore.  It’s a lot of giggles and eye rolling and stomping and slamming doors.  There is laughter as we tease the poor dad simply because he’s surrounded by females.  It’s the borrowing of jewelry and the rare dash of mascara “because it’s Christmas.”  It’s the offer to make Ramen noodles for dinner because they notice that I’m tired.  They are becoming wonderful young ladies, and I know I only have a few years left to be in the center of their lives.  And then where do I go?

The dad thinks I need a job, and I do.  But more than that I need purpose.  Direction.  A goal.  So I’m going to make a list of things I want to accomplish in 2010, and I’m going to blog about my progress.  My first deadline is to have my list finished before New Year’s Eve so that I can “begin” on New Year’s Day.  You’ll all have to pray with me that God shows me what I need to do so that I can get wherever it is I need to go.

My backyard is a sea of leaves of all different colors.  They are pretty, and I don’t want to rake them until they all turn brown.  I don’t want to take down the pool either, because I don’t want to stand in the 3 inches of freezing water to get all the leaves out.

We had a beautiful drive to Illinois last week.  It really was nice to spend the whole week with the hubby and kids.  I got to show them my original hometown, where my parents grew up, and they got to meet lots of cousins they didn’t know.

I’m glad for Facebook, because now, hopefully, I can stay in touch better with those cousins.

I wish my computer was by the fireplace.  Then I could keep an eye on everything going on, stay warm, and get some work done or maybe not.

After 7 years of homeschooling I still worry about whether I’m giving them enough work or too much.  I wonder if public school kids remember stuff the teacher said yesterday.

My feet are cold.  I’m going back downstairs to sit in front of the fire.

I love my cousins!  Three of them are brothers, PK’s (preacher’s kid), in seminary and/or youth pastors, and great men of God.  I love being their friend on Facebook because they make me think.  One posted today this question  “Is tolerance love?”  Now, he and I don’t exactly agree on the definition of tolerance, I think, but it was a great discussion and now I want to know what you think!

Here is my response:

If it’s in reference to sin. Nope. Love is patient, kind, etc. nowhere does it say tolerant. Dictionary.com says: to tolerate is to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit. It’s that "without prohibition or hindrance" part that does a disservice to others and ourselves.

And then later in response to a question about discipline and the assertion that God tolerates us:

Absolutely the level of "maturity" intellectually and spiritually has to be taken into account for discipline. I’m just picking on the word tolerate really. I despise the use of the word "tolerance" by the society in general – it isn’t used correctly in most cases. We all sin, and in Christ we must all strive to love the sinner and hate the sin in ourselves as well as others. The person and their behavior are not the same thing. To the original question of "is tolerance love," my answer is still no. Tolerance is permissiveness of behavior and love is acceptance of the person.
So in that vein I will quibble that God doesn’t tolerate us – He LOVES us. It is very much more and better than mere tolerance. He allows us free will and to make the choice to sin, but He will discipline us, therefore He is not "tolerating" us. I’ll stop arguing for the sake of argument now. (Can you tell I crave adult conversation!!!!!)

I know, I’m really picky about precise use of language, but I feel very strongly about “tolerance.”  I feel that tolerance (including within the church) has brought society to its current woeful condition.  I read an article recently that very bluntly stated that Christian parents shouldn’t blame the fact that their children aren’t Christians on the word of God having failed, because in many, many cases the word of God was never taught.  “Christian” churches around the world preach love but not discipline, the idea of Christ’s sacrifice, but not the truth of it.  We tolerate little things because they are harmless and then as we become desensitized we tolerate more and more until we are surrounded by sin which we tolerate and hardly recognize as the sin it is.  We don’t want to call behaviors what they are (sin!) because we might offend someone because of our lack of tolerance.  We are called to correct one another in love, not tolerate!  It applies to ourselves as well.  Do we take a good look in the mirror?  Do we excuse our own sinful behavior because “everyone else does it?”  I sometimes imagine our heavenly Father rolling his eyes and sighing in exasperation as I sin repeatedly voicing feeble excuses as choose to behave in a way I know is wrong. 

My cousin called the point to question though, should the same level of discipline apply to everyone regardless of their age or spiritual maturity?  My answer to that is above – no.  A person needs to know that something is wrong.  That is why we cannot tolerate sin.  We must tell them that it is sin.  We must immerse ourselves in God’s word and develop friendships with like-minded believers in order to be constantly aware of our own sinful nature and behaviors.  We need to recognize that God loves us, but it is against His nature to tolerate sin.  We must share God’s love with others, and in order to do so I think we must share His intolerance of sin.

This might sound legalistic, but what I am trying to do is emphasize the fact that love is so great, huge, all-encompassing, it is strengthened by truth and the refusal to tolerate sin.  Tolerating sin, to me, is not an act of love.  Now, if we’re talking about tolerating socks on the floor, that is an entirely different story!

So what do you think?

   Today was one of THOSE days.  No, not THAT kind.  The really rare kind.  The really good kind. 

  The girls and I went to Six Flags with some friends, free.  The Six Flags Read to Succeed program provided tickets for the kids and the teachers (which since we homeschool = Mom).  The weather was beautiful, the crowds were very light, we were with very good friends, and it was a great day! 

  Something that struck me in particular today was watching the difference between our girls and some other girls of the same age range (10-12) at the park.  Our girls seem to have a definite air of innocence and “girlhood” about them even though the 12-year-old is quickly becoming a young lady.  Our friends have girls very close in age to my girls, and they are good friends.   Generally they “hang” with the girl closest to their age, but today varying degrees of interest (and fear) regarding certain rides shook up the usual pairings.  The friends went with the other’s sister on several rides and everyone was happy to do so.   I wish I could have dug my camera out in order to catch a couple of candid moments between friends, however.  As the girls strolled along the occasionally would reach for their friend to excitedly pull them toward this or that attraction, and then they would continue on hand in hand.  It was such a sweet expression of friendship!  I hated that the worldly influences caused me to momentarily have a flash of “I wonder what people think!” interrupt my appreciation for that moment of innocent friendship.

So today I am thankful for good friends, innocence, girlhood, my girls, and a God so great and awesome who care enough to give us days like today and enjoys them with us.